by Sarah Wardwell
This was my first Lent. I honestly barely even knew what Lent was before a year ago. The extent of my knowledge on the subject was that it had something to do with Easter and I had a friend in high school who gave up peanut butter for a while every spring.
Tomorrow, I am excited to say, I will officially become a Catholic. As I was thinking tonight about the faith journey that I have been on over the past two years, I had a great urge to write out some of my thoughts and feelings before heading into tomorrow when my daughter and I will both be receiving our first communion and confirmation and my son will be baptized at the Easter Vigil.
Although I have learned a TON throughout this entire time, Lenten reflections have brought me some very specific insights about who I am and who Jesus is. While attending mass over the past year, a nagging desire kept emerging in my heart. I wanted to begin veiling (wearing a head covering while in the presence of our Lord Jesus).
From the start, I felt an incredible peace envelope me every time I entered a church or chapel with a veil over my head. It was, to me, a sign of reverence and respect for Jesus when I came into His presence.
But this is who Jesus reminded me I am over the last couple of months: I am a beloved daughter of God. My body is a sacred tabernacle. No human can ever change that, no matter what they may do to me.
So, tomorrow begins another chapter in this exciting journey. Here we go. :-)
Although I have learned a TON throughout this entire time, Lenten reflections have brought me some very specific insights about who I am and who Jesus is. While attending mass over the past year, a nagging desire kept emerging in my heart. I wanted to begin veiling (wearing a head covering while in the presence of our Lord Jesus).
I ignored this desire for a long time. I was so scared of what people would think of me. Of what they would say. Of the questions they might ask. I honestly didn’t even fully understand at the time all of the symbolic meaning and reasons for this beautiful tradition within the Catholic church. I’m not even a Catholic yet. All I knew was I felt a call. I had a longing in my heart.
So, when the opportunity came in the form of someone who happened to have veils available a week before Lent, and my fiancé (who knew that I had been praying about this for a while) asked if I wanted one, I decided to go for it. I didn’t realize until weeks after I began wearing the veil why Jesus had called me to it.
From the start, I felt an incredible peace envelope me every time I entered a church or chapel with a veil over my head. It was, to me, a sign of reverence and respect for Jesus when I came into His presence.
Then, I read about how a woman wearing a veil is a symbolic reminder of Christ’s relationship with His bride, the Church. I also read many other beautiful symbolic meanings behind this practice.
After a couple of weeks, however, I realized there was a bit more to it for me personally. I was reclaiming my dignity, as a woman and as a human being. I know Jesus has always seen me as beautiful and as His beloved child. I know He has longed for me to come home and be reconciled unto himself. But for a very long time, this is not how I felt about myself.
“I’m so broken that no one and nothing will ever be able to truly fix me. My heart is so scarred that it is beyond hope of complete healing. I am so dirty, I deserve my pain. I deserve my filth.” This is really what it boiled down to.
But this is who Jesus reminded me I am over the last couple of months: I am a beloved daughter of God. My body is a sacred tabernacle. No human can ever change that, no matter what they may do to me.
I felt Jesus speaking to me as I cried out to him while contemplating my life. He told me to surrender. Surrender my fear. Surrender my anger. Surrender my belief that I was not capable of healing and wholeness. 
So I did. This took the physical form of the veil I began wearing the first day of Lent, even though I hadn’t realized it at the time. Now, every time I put the veil on my head and prepare for worship, I am reminded of who I am.
I am a beloved daughter of the King; beautiful in the eyes of my Savior and Lord. Healed and made whole. Cleansed and renewed. (I can tell you for a fact, I practically floated out of that mysterious and daunting confessional after my first reconciliation. But that is another story for another time). I have reclaimed my self-worth.
I know there will still be plenty of tough days and tear filled nights, but I will do my best to choose to clothe myself in strength and dignity and laugh without fear of the future (Proverbs 31:25) from now on.
So, tomorrow begins another chapter in this exciting journey. Here we go. :-)
Sarah blogs at acceptedandacceptable. This post has been edited for clarity.
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