I had an odd reaction yesterday. I walked into the chapel and sitting in front of the tabernacle was a woman, praying. She wore one of our veils. As I glanced at her, I felt a negative stirring in my soul that sounded a bit like, "Ugh, who does she think she is? As if she's holy just because she's wearing a veil!"
I was stunned at my reaction.
"Uh, Lily," I told myself, noticing the irony of the situation. "Grab your veil and put it on."
What in the world was going on in my heart?
As I sat in the chapel, comparing myself to this woman (who, by the way, seemed much skinnier and more beautiful than I am), it struck me that I was giving in to a spirit self-loathing. This spirit was tempting me to put down someone else - at least in my mind - so I would feel better about myself.
As soon as I became aware of this, I made a choice to reject that awful voice, and resolved see this woman as God sees her: beloved.
Beloved of the Father is who we are, and yet we struggle to remember this. A myriad of things that happen to us throughout the day have the potential to trigger painful emotional memories in us, emotions which are ingrained in us deeply because, for many of us, they became a part of us at a very young age.
Prayer is essential in rooting us in the love of the Father. Some of us also need counseling, and there is no shame in that. Some of us need still deeper prayer and fasting to uncover and heal memories that we didn't even know needed healing. No matter how the Father reaches out to us, the truth is that He desires that we learn the true sound of His voice as souls living in the state of grace*: gentle, tender, and peaceful.
As I continued to sit in the chapel, I noticed that the veil this woman was wearing was actually helping the eyes of my heart make the choice to see her as beloved of the Father. As her veil helped me to see her as beloved of the Father, my heart became capable once more of seeing myself as beloved of the Father, too.
I realized that things had happened earlier in the day which had brought back memories of the self-loathing I so often felt during my childhood, and those feelings had clouded over my heart's capacity to be open to the love of the Father.
It was this woman's veil, a sacramental, that prompted me to "snap out of it". Her veil reminded me of the tenderness with which God sees us. It reminded me of the care He took to create us uniquely in His image. He knit us in our mother's womb, and even the hairs of our head are numbered.
If you struggle with self-loathing, I invite you to wear a veil before God in the Blessed Sacrament. Wearing a veil doesn't mean that we are perfect (we aren't) or better than others (we aren't). It means we desire to open our hearts to receive the love which God desires to give us. This attitude is so pleasing to the Father, who longs for the smallest chance to show us His tenderness.
In this time of so much turmoil, let's be open to being reminded of the tenderness of the love of the Father, and let's make conscious choices to see others as He sees us.
* In persons going from mortal sin to mortal sin, according to St. Ignatius, the "good spirit" is disquieting, stinging and biting our conscience to encourage us to turn away from sin. To learn more about the discernment of spirits, see books by Fr. Timothy Gallagher, O.M.V.
blog comments powered by Disqus